PERSONNEL PERFORMANCE: 
Badgirl loves Budweiser recorded 0 kills across 5 ranked match appearances. Management confirms that attendance and combat effectiveness are two entirely separate departments.
MEDICAL DEPARTMENT: 
Bearingup recorded 1,139 deaths across 66 ranked matches. The respawn machinery has requested annual leave.
INTERNAL INVESTIGATION: 
Slime recorded 74 self-inflicted deaths. The opposition has complained about somebody else doing their job.
FACILITY MENACE: 
Blade4ever accumulated 317 kills across 11 ranked matches. Human Resources has advised colleagues to maintain a safe distance.
RANDOM PERSONNEL SPOTLIGHT: Monkey appeared in 50 ranked matches, recording 755 kills and 697 deaths. The Statistics Department confirms that the paperwork is technically in order.
