Sir Digby
Sir Digby has recorded 776 kills and 13 wins. Headquarters rates the resulting K/D of 2.39 as strategically encouraging, subject to final review over a whiskey.
HAVEN WEEKLY INCIDENT REPORT
WEEK ENDING 13 SEPTEMBER 2026
Current report ยท generated 13 Sep 2026 14:55 UTC
Matches
188
Players
24
Kills
2,459
Deaths
1,148
Suicides
178
Comeuppances
1
DISPATCH FROM THE STATISTICS DEPARTMENT
The Haven Fragging Facility has survived another statistically questionable week, recording 188 matches involving 24 players and 2,459 human kills. Slime currently heads the weekly fragging department with 1,019 frags from 29 matches, including 19 wins. The Crossbow has been declared Weapon of the Week after accounting for 976 kills.
TOP FRAGGERS
| # | Player | Matches | Wins | Frags | Kills | Deaths | K/D |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Slime | 29 | 19 | 1019 | 1056 | 283 | 3.73 |
| 2 | Sir Digby | 59 | 13 | 714 | 776 | 325 | 2.39 |
| 3 | Guy l'Eclair | 2 | 1 | 93 | 103 | 35 | 2.94 |
| 4 | Bearingup | 5 | 0 | 93 | 107 | 157 | 0.68 |
| 5 | Monkey | 7 | 0 | 66 | 76 | 86 | 0.88 |
DEPARTMENTAL HIGHLIGHTS
WEAPON OF THE WEEK
Crossbow leads the armoury with 976 kills. The remaining weapons have been asked to try harder.
MAP DEPARTMENT
dm_lockdown is the busiest map with 22 matches. dm_lockdown is currently the bloodiest, producing 385 recorded human kills.
RIVALRY OF THE WEEK
Sir Digby and Slime currently hold Rivalry of the Week, exchanging 200 human kills in the available combat logs. Sir Digby has 93; Slime has 107. Diplomatic relations remain unchanged.
Rivalry figures use the raw human-v-human combat logs currently retained by the server, so the first historical report may not cover every early-week encounter.
COMEUPPANCE DEPARTMENT
- Slime activated Comeuppance on 11 Sep at 17:36 UTC.
HAVEN REGULARS
Slime
Slime has accumulated 1056 kills and 19 wins. Comeuppance was triggered 1 time, so the emergency paperwork remains close at hand.
Klink
Klink has been away this week, leaving Haven's rafters temporarily unoccupied. Building Control has taken advantage of the opportunity.
Monkey
Monkey has produced 76 kills in 7 matches. The Hawaiian-shirt tactical doctrine remains under active field evaluation.
Bearingup
Bearingup has assembled 107 kills in 5 matches. The shed remains operational, while the dog continues its full recovery from having nipples.
VISITORS' BOOK
Guy l'Eclair currently leads the visitors' book with 103 kills from 2 matches, a K/D of 2.94, and 1 win. The welcoming committee has adjusted its insurance accordingly.
INCIDENT REPORT
178 self-inflicted deaths were entered into the week's paperwork. Sir Digby currently leads this highly questionable category with 62. Friday 11 September was the busiest recorded day with 68 completed matches.
LIQUID MAINTENANCE DEPARTMENT
COFFEE, WHISKEY & QUESTIONABLE ENGINEERING
Haven is free to play and built for fun. If you've enjoyed the server and feel an uncontrollable urge to contribute to the liquid maintenance budget, donations are cheerfully accepted.
FUND THE LIQUID MAINTENANCE DEPARTMENTEntirely optional. No gameplay advantages. Still no scientific evidence that whiskey improves Digby's aim.